Never trust a dog to watch your food.
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Never try to baptize a cat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?